


Day one, again

by zapatterson



Category: Blindspot (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Pattata - Freeform, Post Break Up, Zapatterson, minor jeller, protect tasha zapata
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-13 21:33:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11193888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zapatterson/pseuds/zapatterson
Summary: some angsty zaptterson with a closed off Tasha and Patterson walking away





	Day one, again

There was never a huge fight, there was no screaming nor yelling like Tasha imagined it'd be like. There's no Patterson looking at her with sad eyes and disappointment written across her face.  
It was simply Tasha coming home to find Patterson packing her things  
That was how it ended. Tasha never expected Patterson to look at her with that sad smile. She sunk into the mattress, now bare, because they Patterson bought those sheets, and now she's taking them too. She watches Patterson's hands grab for more object and fill her suitcase. A frame, a hairbrush, some clothes, a box. Once she's done she zips up her suitcase and picks up her duffel bag laid by the bedroom door.  
She clears her throat and shifts her weight from side to side, visibly uncomfortable and says "I need someone who wants to fight for this" is a soft and pained whisper then turns around and walks down the stairs  
Tasha doesn’t say anything, but she follows her down the stairs, and into the living room. Rosa is sitting on the couch with tears in her eyes. “Please don’t leave,” she says, and Patterson kisses her forehead. 

“I’ll always be here for you, baby,” she says, and ruffles Rosa's hair. “Just a phone call away, alright?”

“Where are you going?” Rosa sniffles. 

Patterson shrugs. “away baby” is all she says, and something hot and painful burns inside Tasha, like she's losing her family all over again. It spreads and ignites all over her body, face heating, and there’s something desperate inside her screaming, don’t go don’t go don’t go, except Tasha can’t make her mouth work, or her throat stop swelling enough to actually say the words. 

Before Patterson walks out the door, she stops and turns back around to face Tasha. And she leans in and kisses her on the cheek. And Tasha wants to tell her to stay so badly, but she can’t. 

So she watches her go. She watches her get in that dumb Ford that sits in their driveway most of the time because Patterson refuses to drive and Tasha insisted on buying her something better, more efficient and environmentally friendly but never got round to it. Patterson leaves the keys to the house sitting on the foyer table. When the lights disappear down the drive, Tasha turns back around.

Rosa is gone.

==

Tasha adjusts to life without Patterson the same way one is expected to adjust to life without the one person you love in your life. She thinks. She goes about her days, strangely monotonous, and most days she doesn’t even remember what’s happened. Sometimes Rosa snaps her out of it just a little, with a shout of “Tasha!” right before pushing food in front of her. Sometimes Jane gives her a look, like she's wondering whether Tasha has come to her senses yet. Sometimes Weller just looks at her with a hard, angry expression, like he can’t believe Tasha let it get this far.

Tasha deserves that look, most of all.

==

Tasha and Patterson fighting is nothing new. Neither of them expected it to change when they got together, and they were more than a little relieved when it didn’t change. 

The problem with them being together is that when they’re not fighting, they’re confiding their deepest and darkest feelings to one another, and Tasha knows how to use those words to hurt, more than anything, when they start fighting again. The first time she does it, Patterson recoils back, like Tasha has just slapped her, and gives her a look like she can’t believe she just said it. 

But Tasha didn’t choose Patterson as a partner because she lies down and takes it; Patterson is just the opposite of that. She knows how to fling words right back, and before they know it, they're back into one of their cycles, hurling painful words at one another that cut like knives and burn like acid against the other person. Things are thrown, words are said, and by the end, when they’re both breathless, tears are streaming down Pattersons' face, and Tasha breaks inside whilst remaining stone-faced 

There’s silence for a moment. Pattersons' sniffles echo around the room and Tasha's breath catches a little as she realises everything they’ve said to one another, all the painful digs at families and leadership qualities and hyperactivity. She opens her mouth. Nothing comes out. 

Patterson sniffles again, and lets out a short, bitter laugh. “I have never regretted this so much in any moment, than I do right now,” she says acidly, and walks out of the house. 

Tasha doesn’t follow her. 

==

Patterson always comes back. Tasha never follows, and Patterson never asks her to. They fight and scream and cry, and sometimes it gets a little too out of hand, to the point where Reade intervenes when he can, pulling them out of each other’s faces and telling them to calm down, reminding them of who they are to each other.

Maybe that’s why Tasha just goes about her days, convinced that Patterson will be coming back this time, too. 

==

Rosa says it first. “she’s not coming back.”

Tasha looks up from where she's dicing green peppers for the tomato sauce, Pattersons' recipe, and blinks at Rosa. Shs doesn’t say anything, so Rosa keeps talking. “I miss her every day but I call her and she tells me what she's doing, where she's going. How much freer she is. She's not coming back, Tasha,” Rosa says, and something in her tone has hardened. “You chained her down.” And she disappears from the room, stomping up the steps like a petulant teenager. 

Tasha keeps dicing. 

==

This is not the first time Patterson has left for a long period of time. 

The first time was after a long battle that Tasha instigated, over something as silly as Patterson taking a joke too far, Tasha thinks. They talk and argue and fight, and in the end, Tasha has called her scared, naive, and unwilling to open up to change. Patterson has called Tasha controlling, an asshole, and taken absolutely painful digs at Tasha and her life choices and her dynamic with her family. They both did. 

Patterson packs a duffle and screams out the door that she needs the space away from some emotionally stunted person. 

They don’t talk for a week. Patterson stays at Reade's for a month. The bed is empty and Tasha stays awake most nights, inhaling the fading scent on Pattersons' pillow and thinking about reaching out for her phone and calling her, texting her, anything, saying, I miss you, I’m sorry. But she doesn’t, because that’s not who Tasha is. She doesn’t apologize and she doesn’t give in. She just can’t. Every time her brain tells her to call, text, visit, her body won’t follow the orders. Every time she opens her mouth during a fight to say, stop, alright, stop, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any of it, her throat swells shut and her jaw locks tight, unwilling to let the words slip free. 

So Tasha just waits. 

A month and a week later, Patterson appears on the porch, duffel bag at her feet, and a tentative smile on her face. They don’t say anything. There’s no resolution to their fight. There’s Patterson, wrapped around Tasha's arms wrapped around Patterson, as they walk upstairs. There’s Tasha, tossing her down against the cream colored sheets, Pattersons cheeks a rosy red, flushed from the thrill. There’s Patterson, gripping her shoulders, more, more, more, and Tasha, biting at her throat, little love bites that leave a ring around her collarbone, a necklace that screams 'please' and 'sorry'.

They fall asleep and something inside Tasha curls up and settles down with Patterson in her arms. 

==  
==

It’s been a ninety four days, Tasha realizes one day, looking at the calendar. Snow flies outside, the driveway is covered in ice, and Patterson has been gone for a ninety four days. 

Tasha hasn’t heard from her once.

==

Tasha finds a postcard addressed to Rosa hanging on the fridge, picture side out. It’s a cheesy picture, of the ocean and the beach, the sun setting behind the waves. Tasha slides it out from under the magnet and turns it over. 

In Florida. In December. It’s still 78 degrees. I got sunburn, but you know how my complexion is. Don’t let the holidays bring you down, baby. I’ll call you soon. Love you, Patterson. 

The burning inside Tasha is back. As she replaces the magnet and faces the truth: Patterson knows Rosa better than Tasha ever has, and Patterson makes sure she's still thinking about her, even when she's not here. 

Patterson has always been the better person. 

==

Reade is next. 

He says, “You know, she's really happy,” one day, when they’re working in the kitchen together to make breaded garlic chicken and mashed potatoes, from Pattersons' recipe. Tasha doesn’t pause in her handmade potato-mashing, but it does get a little more violent. “she's tanned and happy and I – I haven’t heard or seen her like that in a long time.”

The mashing stops. “You saw her?” Tasha growls. Reade doesn’t even flinch. He nods like he’s bragging about it. 

“She came to visit for the holidays,” Reade says. Tasha feels like she's been hit by a truck. There’s silence for a moment. Finally Reade says quietly, “You should move on, Tasha. She has.”

Tasha starts mashing potatoes again. 

==

Tasha goes to the shooting range and trains with agents and sits in the silence of the newly remodeled house that Patterson helped choose the décor for, the paint colors and the barn wood flooring for, and the television, the mattress, the pictures hanging on the walls, Patterson chose them all, and Tasha comes home to them every night, something in her head saying, Patterson will be there too. Except she never is, and that’s when the burning ignites, full force again, every single time Tasha walks into the house. Sometimes Rosa is there, in the living room, and she catches the look of surprise on Tasha's face when she realises Patterson isn’t there. 

Rosa always gives her this look like she feels sorry for her, and it makes Tasha so angry, so tired, and she feels weak from all the emotions coursing through her. 

Sometimes Rosa has nightmares. The first time she had them, after Patterson left this last time, Tasha wasn’t sure what to do. It was always Patterson that soothed her, got her to talk about it, and comforted her and told her it will be alright. Tasha knows they’re not just nightmares about her father; they’re nightmares about Nas being gone, about the things she's seen, but at a price. They haven’t had any trouble in a long time, but that doesn’t mean Rosa still doesn’t think about it. 

The first few times, Tasha tries to let Rosa be, but she's always shaken by the sobs coming from Rosa's room, so she gets up and goes in and holds her. She never says anything, and neither does Rosa, and eventually they fall asleep together, both of them lonely and haunted. 

Tasha revels in the comfort of being next to someone, even if it’s not Patterson.

==

It’s been two hundred and sixty-five days. The sun shines outside, the leaves are a bright and vivid green, there are flowers blooming all over Tasha's front yard  
It’s been two hundred and sixty-five days, and Tasha hasn’t seen Patterson once.

==

She starts accepting that Patterson isn’t going to come back. She stops expecting Patterson to be on the other side of the door, all of her things put away, a smile on her face as she runs up to Tasha and wraps her legs around Tasha's waist, all tangled up together, so good, so good, and she stops imagining that Patterson misses Tasha as much as Tasha misses her. 

The drawers on Pattersons' side of the dresser are still empty. The pictures of her and Tasha still hang on the wall. 

But Tasha moves on anyways. 

She talks to Rosa first. She's not one for talking but she thinks it might help. She still struggles. “I know that… I’m accepting that… I’m just trying,” she struggles to say, I know she's not coming back, and I know I treated her like shit, but none of it comes out. 

Rosa offers her a tentative smile. “You’ll get there,” she says, reaching out and hugging Tasha tight, “I know you will, Tasha. You’ll be just as happy.”

Tasha doesn’t see it, but she tries anyways. She puts a pool in her backyard because it’s mid-July and the sun is blazing and Jane never stops complaining. She stops taking all the overtime at work to avoid coming home, and instead, she puts her own little touches to the house. She adds a picture of Reade and her, because after so many years, it no longer hurts. She drapes an afghan that Jane gave her across the back of the couch. It’s not much, but it’s the little things, she thinks, that make it so it’s not Patterson, Patterson, Patterson, all the time. 

She doesn’t pick fights with anyone anymore. She's no longer tense, awaiting combat constantly; instead she's more relaxed. They stop having such brutal training exercises, and instead of beating on one another, they teach each other languages and jokes and laughter  
She doesn’t know when it stops, but one day, as the leaves are turning crisp again, Tasha realizes the burning has stopped. 

==

Jane announces her pregnancy. Tasha tries to ignore something in her mind, something suspiciously like Pattersons' voice that says, kids would be nice, and hugs her back tightly, placing a hand on the bump where the newest member of their family sits. 

==

It’s been a year. Spring is there, and Jane having her baby is there, and Tasha smiling easier, laughing easier is right there, too. Thinking about Patterson less and less happens eventually, though Tasha's heart will always flutter when she hears Pattersons' name. Holidays come and go and Tasha spends them with Rosa and Jane and Reade and Weller, and they laugh and make silly handmade cards. 

Jane gives birth on a sunny Saturday morning. Jane cries when they put her in her arms, and beside her, Weller grins. “We’re naming her Alice,” Jane announces, and Tasha maybe wants to cry a little, too.  
Tasha reaches out and runs her finger along baby Alice's soft, pink cheek. Alice snuffles in her sleep a little, before reaching a hand out and wrapping it around Tasha's finger. 

She’s tiny and important. She’s new life, and with her, comes good fortune. 

It’s been a year, and Tasha almost forgets the look on Pattersons' face when she left. 

==

Tasha never wanted kids, never thought she was good enough to be a parent, but if there’s anyone in the world, besides Patterson, who makes her want to be a better person, it’s Alice Weller, who at all of four months old, has her wrapped around her tiny finger. She learns new things every day. There’s diaper changing, feeding, burping, and rocking her when nothing else works to calm her down. There’s the first time baby powder explodes in her face and Alice is laughing hysterically, too hysterically to help her, and Reade is too busy snapping picture after picture. There’s Jane, teaching her what to do, helping her clean it up, and then playing endlessly with Alice. 

Alice grows and grows more and more, until she’s eight months old and crawling. Tasha can’t even believe how fast the time went. 

Postcards come all the time for Rosa, pictures of different oceans and state lines and even a few times – countries. Canada, Mexico, Brazil, and then over to England and back. Hawaii, Florida, South Carolina, New York. Tasha has all the pictures from the postcards memorized, because they’re little details of where Patterson has been and where she might stay.

She comes in to visit and see Alice twice, but no one ever tells Tasha until she's already gone, and Tasha never asks. 

She's not ready yet. 

==

Sometimes Tasha wonders why she ever stayed angry as long as she did. She wonders why she couldn’t have this happiness with Patterson, with her whole entire team from the beginning. She realizes, though, that in the beginning, she was just so cautious. She fell hard for Patterson, but she was also nervous, afraid, and waiting for the other shoe to drop from the beginning. She was constantly worrying about why Patterson was ever interested in her. Why she talked to her and wanted to spend time with her. Patterson only ever wanted Tasha to be happy, to trust her, and Tasha always hid things within her, away from the danger of being hurt and betrayed yet again. 

Every time, Tasha regrets it. She regrets not giving her space when it mattered most. She regrets bringing Patterson into her struggles with her alcoholic mother. She regrets telling Patterson the truth, I love you, I love you, I love you, and she regrets never, not once, chasing after Patterson. To tell her she's sorry and please come back and she'll work on it, she promises. 

She never did that, and that’s what she regrets most. 

==

When summer burns bright and hot again, when Alice utters her first words, “ta-ta, momma, dada,” that’s when Tasha wants to leave.

There’s an itching underneath her skin and the need to go and find Patterson. The latest postcard reads, in Birmingham for the summer, found a job, the accents are so fun to listen to and repeat. With a heart and Pattersons' name signed at the bottom. The postcard is a picture of the redneck flag, which had made Rosa laugh delightedly. 

“She'd never,” Rosa had said, “she doesn’t fit in there,” and she'd shaken her head and stuck it on one of the only remaining spots on the fridge. 

Tasha packs her things and books a plane ticket. 

It’s been four hundred and fifty-two days, and Tasha wants to tell Patterson all the things she's learned. 

==

Birmingham is hotter than Beacon Hills. It’s busier, but slower, and Tasha studies a map of the city trying to figure out where to start looking. Before she does anything, she checks into a hotel. She grabs another map and a bottle of water, and starts wandering around the city. 

She finds her by accident. 

It’s a bar on practically the other side of the city, and Tasha is tired and hungry, so she walks in and sits down at the counter. She sees Patterson before Patterson sees her. She's working behind the counter, pouring drinks and laughing delightedly with a customer. “Roll Tide, really?” Patterson is saying, “I’m more of a Penn State fan myself,” and the customer is arguing half-heartedly, shooting off statistics about all the Big Ten schools. 

When Patterson turns her head, she stops. Tasha stops breathing and stares back at her. Four hundred fifty two days, her brain supplies for her, and she's seeing Pattersons' face. She looks a little older, but there are less worry lines around her eyes than there had been when she was with Tasha all the time. Her hair is grown longer, done in a messy, halfhearted attempt at a top knot bun, and her eyes are still the same - bright and golden brown, reading all her emotions out for her. 

Patterson steps forward. Tasha fights the urge to flee, and tells her mouth determinedly, you will speak, as she keeps her eyes on Patterson. 

“Hey,” Tasha says hoarsely, mouth dry. Patterson says nothing, but the incline of her head says she hears Tasha. “I – Rosa gets these postcards,” she says, “They – they say where you are, where you’ve been. And I know they were addressed to Rosa.” Tasha looks down, running her fingers in odd shapes over the bar counter, “But I can’t help but think they were for me, telling me if I ever wanted to come for you, this is where you’d be.” 

Patterson doesn’t say anything. 

“I just wanted to – I wanted to say,” Tasha takes a deep breath, and then starts all over again because it’s not coming out right. “No, that’s not right. Here’s what I’m saying. All these things have happened, and while I’m happier and brighter and even probably nicer, every time something significant happens in my life, I can’t help but think, what would Tasha think about this? Your voice never leaves my head. You – your thoughts are always echoing in my brain when I’m about to make a decision.”

Patterson looks at her, and then she clears her throat, “So you came all this way to tell me that?” she asks. 

“No,” Tasha says slowly, “I came all this way to tell you that I’m fighting for you. I’m – I’m changing for us, I’m trying for us. Because I want you, Patterson, and I love you. I do,” Tasha says adamantly when Patterson opens her mouth to say something. “But I want to start over. I don’t want to go right back to where we were. I want dinners and movies and wine and chocolate and all the stupid cheesy stuff. I want a buildup to sex because the payoff will be greater in the end. I want us spending nights at each other’s places because we want to be together but we’re not ready to take that step yet, not again.” 

Pattersons' eyes shine with tears and something Tasha can’t quite read. 

“I want four hundred and fifty two days of that because that’s how long it took me to get smart and realize you’re what I want,” Tasha finishes. 

Patterson says, “You really did learn how to talk,” and laughs. 

Tasha doesn’t say anything. Patterson wipes at her nose with her sleeve and says, “I get off at ten. There’s this really nice diner around the corner. And Beacon Hills was my next stop anyways.”

Tasha breathes out. 

==

It’s been four hundred and fifty two days, and it took Tasha forever but they’re at day one again

**Author's Note:**

> idk where I'm going with "Rosa" but i doubt ill expand on this. It seems okay as a one shot? anyway please comment and kudos and ill upload some more fics! Prompts welcome


End file.
